Oh, where to begin?

So, the tone of my blog may be changing. Kind of already has, as I'm sure you've noticed.

D & I are still struggling quite a bit. We haven't given up. I know I won't give up...him I'm not so sure about. I don't think he will, but he doesn't talk to me the way he should, so it's hard to know really what he's thinking. And I suppose I'm guilty of the same thing...not talking to him the way I should.

We argued yesterday. He claims I'm clingy. I don't see it, but he swears to it. I can admit that I get insecure, and I explained to him why I get insecure. It's got nothing to do with him personally, but there are things about our situation that trigger it. He's moved out to another town, about 40 miles away temporarily, while we try to save money to get a place together. That essentially makes this a long distance relationship. And while he was over the road, ours was pretty much a long distance relationship. As I explained to him, every long distance relationship I've ever had, including my first marriage, I was cheated on. So, the physical distance triggers that. And I know he'd never cheat, so you'd think that would reassure me and ease my insecurities. But nope, that's not how my mind works. I instead jump to the next worst case scenario, which is that he'll end things. I can't give any valid reason WHY I would think that, but I do. And so I want reassurance from him, in the form of physical affection, or verbal assurances that we'll be together again soon, or he loves me, or he's not going anywhere, something like that. This, I can see, could come across as clinginess to him. Which makes him pull back. Which further triggers my insecurities, and keeps the cycle going.

One thing I did discover today, however. I am insecure, there's no doubt about that. But...I began thinking. There's no good reason for me to be insecure about D. He's never cheated, never lied. He's never done anything at all to give me reason to doubt him. He's stuck it out with me, through times at least as tough as any other relationship I've been in, and those never lasted through those tough times because the guy couldn't stick.

And then I thought some more. It's not just D that I do this with. I don't just jump to worst case scenario with him. I do it with everything. The kids, the car, finances, health, anything and everything. And I go beyond just thinking "what's the worst that could happen?". I go into "this is the worst that could happen, and oh, it will happen, and oh, what will I do when it happens..." and on and on.

So then I did a little research. And there is this disorder, I'm sure most of you have heard of it, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And it fits. I even realized that although I denied ever having had a panic attack, it's likely I did: the night I broke my ankle. When the ER doctor came in and told me I'd have to have surgery to repair it, I flipped out, rattling on about how I couldn't leave my kids, and I couldn't be hospitalized, and on and on. And, ok, maybe it's possible that my reaction was justified, but when I think about it...it really wasn't. My parents would have watched the boys for me while I was in the hospital. My mother did while I was in surgery. She came down and took care of them that evening, and got us all to bed before she went home.

I panic over things all the time. People have told me before that I do that, and I've dismissed them. I've told them they were wrong, or denied worrying, or any number of other things. But I realize now...they're right. I worry about things that there's no point in worrying about, or at least no point in worrying about at the time that I'm doing it.

What really sucks is I have no insurance right now, so I can't even see a doctor to talk to him about this. I'm going to try some natural treatments, and see what happens.

So, be prepared to hear a lot about my attempts to deal with all of this: sorting out D & I's relationship, figuring out whether my anxiety is normal or not, and just generally trying to get my life together.

Something tells me it's going to be a long journey.