So, recently things have been...not good. D & I have been struggling, I've been trying to decide if I have anxiety or not, no job, a whole slew of things. But, some things are beginning to improve.
D & I are not yet perfect, by any means. But, things are better. We decided one thing we needed to do was to lay out our expectations of each other as clearly as possible. We both felt like we weren't getting what we needed from each other. Turned out, once we laid things out, we weren't as far apart as we were beginning to feel. That alone has done wonders to ease the tension between us.
On top of that, I realized that a lot of our problems were stemming from my insecurities and my issues. I have been insecure for years, because my ex cheated and lied and treated me so horribly. And although it's insecurity in thinking that I'm not good enough, attractive enough, whatever enough, it's also a matter of trust. I couldn't trust that D loved me enough, cared about me enough, was just a decent enough guy, to not treat me that way. I kept waiting for it to happen. I kept pushing him away, trying to protect myself from the, I thought, inevitable hurt.
I finally came to the realization that not only did I have to stop, but that D deserved better. He's a wonderful, loving, trustworthy guy and he deserves better than to have a girlfriend who thinks he's just biding his time until he can do something to screw her over. I looked at all the ways our lives our intertwined already, from car insurance to our movies mixed together in the entertainment center, and realized that if he didn't really want to be here, didn't really want to be with me, he wouldn't have let our relationship get this far. He wouldn't have invested so much time and energy into this if it wasn't important to him.
I've finally begun to get past my issues and insecurities. When they start to rear their ugly heads, I just remind myself of the things I've realized, of how much he loves me, how committed we both are to this, how much we've already combined our lives, and that reassures me.
Which is especially important, since it appears he may be about to go back on the road. He's got to submit a small amount of paperwork, and it looks like he will have a new over the road job. I'm happy in one way, and not so happy in another.With the job he currently has, the pay sucks, the hours suck, we never have time to even see each other much less talk. Most of our communication is by text right now, because it's the only way we can do it. If he's over the road, he'll be gone for 2 weeks at a time, but at least when he's home, we'll actually have time together, and we can actually find time to talk to each other. He'll be much less exhausted, which is definitely a priority. So, it's one of those things where in one way, it's good and in another it's not. We'll make the best of it. We love each other and we will be fine.
In terms of the job situation, things are improving slightly for me, as well...although how much improvement is yet to be seen. I am working as a Guide on ChaCha.com. I get paid per question that I answer. It doesn't amount to much, I only make maybe $2-3 an hour, but at least it's something coming in. And in addition, I have started my own photography business. I have absolutely no idea how that's going to go yet, but I gotta do something, and this seems as good an idea as anything else. It's a business with pretty much no start up costs, since D is letting me use his excellent camera. I only had to pay for business cards, which I only paid for shipping for, because I got them on vistaprint.com. I'm working on convincing my friends to be my guinea pigs...uh, I mean models. I've got to get them to sign to model releases, but my intention is to take their pictures and then use them to promote my business by showing what I'm capable of and hopefully drawing in paying customers. Yeah, I'm not charging my friends. I figure if they'll do it, they're doing me a favor, so doing it for free is the least I can do. I will charge them if they decide they want prints, but only half cost.
The kids are back in school now, so that will make everything easier...well, with some stuff. Having to deal with homework and such will make it harder, but whatever. It gives me more free hours during the day, but then I have more to do in the evening. But as it is every year, it's all a matter of getting back into the routine. Once we manage, then everything gets easier and better. It's only the second day...that means only 178 more to go. *sigh*
Well, I think that's about all that's going on for now. With the kids back in school, I should be able to blog more often, but we'll see.
To end this on a sweet note: both boys didn't want me to walk them in to their classes the first day. Yesterday morning, they both changed their minds. They let me walk them in on the first day. C walked about three feet to one side and two feet ahead of me the whole way, but hey...he let me walk him in !
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