A Rock and A Hard Place

I was given a very vivid reminder of my past this morning, by a friend of mine. Before this morning, I wouldn't have really called her a good friend, since most of our conversations had been somewhat superficial, except for one time when her husband's grandfather shot a cop, but that's a story for another time. Let's just say, Grandpa's nuts and still in jail, and I believe everyone is better off for it.

This morning, though, she followed me to the gas station after we'd dropped the kids off at school to talk to me about signing J up for T-ball, since it's free for first timers this year. I'd have to pay for C to sign up for baseball, and I don't really think I can afford it right now, so I probably won't do it. But we'll see.

But as we stood there talking, she began telling me things about her marriage and her husband that shocked me. She'd always given me the impression that her marriage was pretty good, or at least average.

First, she shocked me by mentioning they hadn't had sex in about 2 years, and that it was his choice, not hers. Lots of couples go through dry spells, though, so that, while it was shocking that it was his doing, I didn't really think much of it. Just kind of felt bad for her that she's not getting any. Then she added that he shows her no affection whatsoever. No hand holding, no hugs, kisses, nothing.

That I didn't understand. I could go the rest of my life never having sex again, it's not a huge deal, but if D didn't hold my hand, kiss me, hold me while we're sitting on the couch watching a movie, I couldn't handle that. All those little things show me that he loves me, and they mean much more to me than the words. I love to hear him tell me, absolutely, but it's the little touches, the quick kisses, the squeezes when he hugs me tight that really tell me he loves me. She doesn't even get the words, apparently.

Then, she starts telling me about all these fights they've had lately. And that's when I started thinking about Sperm Donor. She started describing shouting matches at 4am over a simple statement. Normal conversations turning into screamfests. Walking on eggshells to avoid saying something that will piss him off and start a fight. Deciding to make this instead of that for dinner because she knows he won't eat it and will instead throw it away, slam dishes and silverware around as he makes something else and then bitch about how she sits around all day and can't even make a good dinner for him when he gets home from busting his ass all day.

As if all that wasn't bad enough, then she tells me about how she and her sister were signing up the kids for T-ball, and her son was hitting her (playfully). Her sister told him to stop, that hitting Momma wasn't nice. Sister threatened to tell Grandma, and the little boy just laughed. When Sister threatened to tell Daddy, the little boy started bawling and begging her to please not tell Daddy. My friend then mentions that he's terrified of Daddy.

That would have been my boys if I hadn't left Sperm Donor. I'd be her (only the lack of sex would have been my choice), and my boys would be terrified of their father.

When I made a casual comment (to test the waters) about how it sounds like she'd be better off without him, she said it's not better for her son, and then threw in that she has nowhere to go. No family she can stay with, or that would help her anyway. Her husband has told her if she wants to leave, leave. He doesn't care.

I disagree with her that it's not better for her son for her to leave. I think the situation as it is is very unhealthy for this very sweet little boy. For the same reasons that I left Sperm Donor: it gives him the wrong idea of how a man should treat a woman, what a healthy relationship should look like, and frankly, I believe it's only a matter of time before he escalates to something more than just hurtful words and lack of affection. She also mentioned how he yells at her son (that he adopted, by the way) for the slightest little thing, and never shows him any affection. Apparently, her son used to try to hug him, but after getting a quick tap on the arm and a "that's enough" enough times, her son has given up.

She knows some of my history with Sperm Donor. I can't remember exactly how much I told her, because as I said, a lot of our previous conversations were pretty superficial, and I don't give a lot of details to just anyone.

My problem here is what do I do? I want to get her the names of some shelters that will help her leave, get a job, get a place, get back on her feet, if she so chooses. But I know, from having been there myself, that she won't leave until/unless she's ready.

I also know that she could very easily get offended and upset with me. I don't want to lose her as a friend, I don't want my kids to lose her son as a friend. If nothing else, I at least want to know that I will see her and her son frequently so that if I something changes, she might talk to me, and I can push her harder or, if necessary, call the cops myself to try to protect her and her son.

So I'm stuck. I feel like I need to help her, but can't. I feel like I need to say something, but I don't know what. I feel like I should maybe tell her everything I went through, hoping she'll see the similarity and realize on her own what's going on. But I feel that doing that is likely to put her on the defensive and make her more determined to believe that everything will be fine.

She already knows that she can talk to me any time she needs to, and that I will help her out in any way that I can. I'm hoping that that'll be enough. But I'm really afraid for her now. She has no phone, not even a cell, so she has no way to call anyone for help should something change. Her only real opportunity to seek help is when she takes her son to school. She used to talk to other moms at the school besides me, but from what I can tell, it's only me now. I don't know if that's a choice she made (maybe she senses I'm more willing to listen and help than the others?) or if he's trying to isolate her (the other moms live closer to her than I do).

I never thought that any real good would come from my failed marriage, except my kids. Yes, I learned a few things about relationships and what I do and don't want from them. But that only benefits me, really. Or so I thought. If I can just figure out how to approach her, maybe more good will come from it than I thought.

Am I the only one?

I belong to a website for moms. It used to be a really helpful, compassionate website where a mom, new or not, could go and ask a question and get useful answers. Criticism was constructive and intended to help, not to completely tear you down and make you feel worthless.

That site has started to devolve into...well, it's devolved. We'll just put it that way.

Often, women would have questions about their relationships. As one mom on there said, "I want to find out if what my husband and I are going through is normal, but I don't want my mom, or his mom, or my best friend, to know that we're dealing with it." The site used to be a way you could compare your relationship to others and find out that yes, this stage in a relationship is perfectly normal, everyone goes through it, and we're going to be fine.

The questions eventually just got...well, pathetic. Women wanting other women to tell them if they should stay or leave after their husband/significant other/boyfriend (whatever title they want to give him...some of them change it weekly, it seems) has cheated, hit them, hit their child, stolen something, kept a secret, lost money gambling/doing drugs/on a hooker (hey, I've seen it on there!), or because his mother drives her nuts with her advice, sarcasm, criticism, or need to take over everything. Some of the reasons they want to leave are just silly, and others I just don't understand how they don't already KNOW they should leave. (example: "My husband has cheated on me 16 times, twice with my sister, 3 times with my best friend, and I caught him having a threesome with my mom and my grandma. Should I leave?" And NO, I am not making that up! I might have the numbers a little off, but it was a real question.)

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I've been in a bad marriage and gotten out of it, and learned a few things from it. The first of those things being what I won't tolerate from a man. I love D to death, and I have absolutely no intention of ever ending our relationship, but there are some things that if he ever did them, I'd be getting rid of him without thinking twice. If he ever laid a hand on me, if he ever hurt my child (beyond a simple spanking or hurt feelings because they're in trouble), if he started doing drugs, drinking too much, if we were living together or married and he was taking money needed to support our home and our family to spend on drugs, gambling, or whatever, those are all things I'd get rid of him for. Cheating...I've always said that after Sperm Donor, I'd leave the first time. Honestly, though, I love D, and I think he loves me enough that if he DID cheat, he'd probably feel incredibly guilty and not do it again. So....I think if he cheated, I'd probably give him one more chance, but with a very clear "you better not hide a damn thing from me ever again" policy. In fact, if he cheated, he'd probably choose to leave me because I'd be so demanding of what he'd have to do to prove to me I could trust him again.

But what really confuses me is that so many of these women are in these relationships, and if you go by their questions, they are just absolutely miserable. And when you read the questions, or look at their profile, the stuff they are so upset about is stuff that he has always done (or not done). Why would you marry someone, or have kids with him, if you already knew he was like this? If I'd known before I married him that Sperm Donor was a lying, cheating piece of crap who was going to do everything he could to ruin my self esteem and ignore my kids...yeah, I wouldn't have touched him with a 50 foot pole. And what's even worse, is that the stuff they get upset over is often silly stuff. No, cheating is not silly. Losing money gambling or on drugs or whatever is not silly. But asking if you should leave him because he didn't take the garbage out the last two times you asked him to (Are your hands broken? Take it out yourself)? Or because he's always on the computer (so why don't you read a book, or watch TV? Does he really have to be your entertainment every minute of the day? He'll get off the computer in a little while and then you'll spend time together. If he's truly addicted and ALWAYS on it, that's one thing, but an hour a day? Not a big deal), or he smokes (make him go outside to smoke)? These are not relationship ending issues, in my opinion anyway.

That's the other thing I learned from my bad marriage. As annoying as certain habits may be, they are not something worth ending the relationship. If I really wanted to, I'm sure I could sit here and think of reasons to end my relationship. They'd all be petty, nitpicky things, but I could sit here and list things that *could* drive me nuts about him. And I'm pretty sure that he could do the same thing about me. He's not perfect, and neither am I. But I love him, and I'd rather focus on the things that I do love about him, than concentrate on the things I don't love so much. I'd rather be happy with him. And I love him so much I even try to turn the less than wonderful things into positive. So, he snores...at least if I hear him snoring, well (a) he's there with me (always a plus), and (b) at least I know he's still alive.

And when I tried to tell one woman that when she complained that she was thinking of leaving her husband because on the two nights a week (he works nights) he's home, she doesn't sleep well thanks to his snoring, she told me I needed to "take off my rose colored glasses" and that my relationship would never last.

I disagree with her. I think that when you focus on the bad, that's when your relationship won't last. How can it, if you're always thinking negatively about the other person, and therefore making yourself unhappy? I think by ignoring the things that aren't quite so endearing and thinking of the things that are, it sets us up with a better chance of making it work. And besides, I really don't think that his cigarette and red bull breakfast habit is worth living my life without him. I won't deny that if he wanted to give them up, I'd be thrilled, but it's just not a relationship ender for me.

I just don't understand why people can't appreciate the good in their relationships, in their spouses/significant others. Why do we always have to look at the negative stuff? Why can't we just ignore that, and focus on what's good about them, and good about the relationship?

I think I'm going to leave that website, because it's just gotten to be too depressing lately. Every now and then, I come across a good question, or at least one I can answer that makes me feel good about answering it, but the bad is beginning to far outweigh the good.

Ok...now that that's out of my system. :)

Last night, C & J were running around outside while my parents and I sat around talking. Peter Pan has been kennelled for...probably close to a year now, due to his inability to stop tearing things up. We let him out to run around when someone is out there to supervise him, but otherwise he's in the kennel. He likes to try to dig his way out. We improvised some chainlink fencing on the bottom of the kennel to stop that. So, now, he likes to try to chew his way out. Last night, C came tearing around the corner from the kennel area.

"Grandpa, Peter Pan is chewing on the kennel again!"

"Fine."

"No, Grandpa, really!"

"Fine. I'll go check on it in a minute."

"No, Grandpa, he's doing some really impressive work!"

Impressive work? My mother and I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes. At least now I know that regardless of what else he does or doesn't learn in school, at least he's getting a pretty good vocabulary...and the ability to use it correctly.

How a dropped call saved my relationship

So, D has been home and gone. After he left, I...I don't know, kind of fell into a little depression I guess. As I've mentioned in much earlier posts on this blog, my ex left me with a lot of issues. Until D, those issues hadn't really posed much of a problem. I never got close enough to any man for them to become a problem.

D, however, is different. He makes me feel loved and important and as though I matter. He makes me laugh. He laughs even if my joke or sarcasm isn't really that funny. He laughs at me when I do something stupid or goofy, and I don't mind it. I never realized until I met him how important laughter is to a relationship. I think it's probably almost as important as love and trust. I trust him. I trust him not to cheat, not to lie, not to hide things from me. I trust him with my children, not only to not harm them but to protect them. We talked about a lot of things, a lot of personal things, over the time that we got to know each other before we ever even met, and developed a sort of closeness. We got closer after we met and started dating. We talked about so many things, a lot of them pretty personal, and it always felt right. It never felt forced, or like I was telling him something because I had to. I was telling him things because I wanted to.

And the first few weeks, I was fine with how close we were becoming, had become. But he left this last time, and I don't know what happened to me, but suddenly I was just drowning in a sea of doubts. Not about him, really, just kind of hanging off of him, in a way. If that makes sense. I began to have thoughts like there is just no way this man can really love me and want to be with me. Thinking it was only a matter of time before he'd break up with me. Taking something I'd *think* I heard in his voice and deciding it meant he was about to tell me it was over. Waiting for a phone call and thinking that since he hadn't called yet, he must be trying to figure out how to tell me it was over. A dropped call, in my head, was him hanging up because he'd decided I was too much trouble and way too high maintenance for him to deal with, and therefore my unanswered calls were not because he had no signal, but because he was avoiding me.

The reality of the dropped call is that a few moments prior to it being dropped, he'd said something that mildly hurt my feelings, and I'd gone silent on him, not to give him the silent treatment but because I was hurt and just really didn't know what to say. Just before the call dropped, I thought I heard him sigh, and the next thing I knew, the call was gone. I waited for him to call back, as he usually does at that time of day, but he didn't. I tried to call him back, it rang and rang until the voicemail picked up. I left a couple of messages, and then tried again later, and it went straight to voicemail, no ringing at all. He had no signal. That was it; just no signal.

In my head, it was he'd hung up on me because he was sick of me not talking to him about what was on my mind. He was not answering my calls because he didn't want to talk to me until he'd figured out how to tell me it was over. And it stopped ringing and started going straight to voicemail because he'd turned the phone off to avoid me.

That dropped call was what made me realize that I needed to stop this. That dropped call probably saved our relationship from the horrible attempted murder I was committing on it. I convinced myself in a matter of minutes that he'd hung up on me and was then avoiding me. I realized, in that moment, that I love this man more than anyone except my children, and certainly more than I've ever loved any other man. In that moment, I realized that if I lost him, and especially if I lost him due to my own stupid refusal to just tell him how I feel, that I would lose everything that mattered to me, except my kids.

I agonized over an email in which I laid out all of my feelings. The love I feel for him, the raging doubts I'd been having and trying desperately to not tell him out of fear he'd tell me I was right. I sent that email, positive that it was much too late to salvage our relationship and that I only had myself to blame for the broken heart I was about to have.

An hour or two after I sent that email, the phone rang. "Well, I finally have a signal again." he said. My heart skipped numerous beats as I realized that once again, my doubts and fears were unfounded. Of course, I'd already sent an email, so it was best to confess what I'd been thinking, since once he read the email, he'd know anyway.

So, I confessed to him that I thought he'd hung up on me. "Why would I do that?" he asked, and he was genuinely confused. And that was when I had my next realization. This man truly loves me, truly wants to be with me and has absolutely no intention of going anywhere.

I was putting distance between us, with all my doubts and fears. I wasn't doing it on purpose, in fact, it was the last thing I wanted. I want to be close to him. He called me on the distance. Flat out told me I was doing it. My first instinct was to deny that I was doing it, except...I thought about it and realized that, although it was completely unintentional and not done on a conscious level, I was indeed putting distance between us. I had a good reason, so I thought: I was hoping, with distance between us, that it might hurt just a little less when he broke up with me, as I was so certain he was going to do.

I've now realized I can't do that. I can't put distance between us in hopes of protecting my heart. Our relationship will never work if I keep him at arm's length. I'm good at sharing my feelings here, because I'm pretty much anonymous and no one knows it's me. You might pass me on the street tomorrow, and you'll never know I wrote this and I'll never know you read it.

Now I just have to start sharing my feelings with him. And I will. It'll be a struggle. And knowing me, he'll probably have to point out to me, a few more times, that I'm doing it again so that I can stop. But I'm going to try really hard to stop trying to hide and protect myself from a breakup that, in reality, is probably never going to happen. I know he loves me, and I'm pretty sure he's hoping for the same future together that I am, even though my fears often get in the way.

We're not there yet, but we are getting back to where we were before. Our conversations are finally beginning to flow as they used to, I'm laughing with him again. I'm feeling closer to him again. And I realized just how much I was missing all that while I was busy with a steak knife trying to kill our relationship in my head. I know now that we're going to be ok. It's probably not the last time this'll happen, nor is it probably the worst thing we'll deal with, but we'll deal with that as it comes. I never wanted us to break up, and I've finally realized that he doesn't either, no matter what my insecurities try to tell me.

And yes, I know, some of you that read this regularly are sitting there going, "WTF? She never gets like this! I don't read this blog to read this crap, I want to read about how much fun she has with D, or what C & J have done lately, or her latest plot to murder the ex? Where the hell did that stuff go?" Don't worry...I'm not going to be all depressed and emotional from now on.

I know I frequently try to post funny stuff, or turn the serious stuff into something somewhat funny, but my life isn't always that funny. And sometimes the crap I deal with just can't be turned into a joke. I nearly killed my relationship with D, and there's nothing funny about that. But lest you think that we're perfect, I figured I'd let you in on that little secret.

And just to show you that I can still make you laugh, here you go:

C got something called "Aquasaurs" for Christmas. They are basically sea monkeys that are very similar to dinosaurs. You put the eggs in water, the Aquasaurs hatch, and you have little shrimp like things swimming around in the water a few days later. We finally got around to doing this the day before yesterday. Yesterday, some had hatched. Well, first of all, C named one Swimmy. J named another Stoppergoer (don't ask me...I just relate the info.). Well, they have to be kept in water that is between 72 and 80 degrees.

Bedtime tonight...C is looking at the tank. Here's our conversation:

"Mom, it's 76."

"That's fine, C."

"But, Mom, it can't get above 80."

"I know, C. It'll be fine."

"But, Mooommmm, if it gets above 80, they'll diiieee!!!"

"C, I promise you, it's fine. It's only 76. They'll be fine."

"But, Mooommm...what if it gets above 80 while we're in bed tonight?"

"I'm sure it won't."

"But what if it does?"

"It won't."

"I think I should stay up and make sure."

"Uh, yeah, I don't think so. Let's go to bed."

"No, Mom, I really think I should stay up and make sure it stays below 80."

"Look, C, that's not going to happen. But let's say I let you stay up, and it goes above 80. What are you going to do about it?"

Blank look and total silence.

"Well, I didn't say I would do anything about it. I just said I should stay up and make sure it doesn't happen." Hops off the stool and stomps to the bedroom.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to call a certain cell phone company and tell them how their bad coverage in one state saved my relationship and thank them for that sucky service. And then I need to call D and tell him again that I love him.

The man deserves a medal for putting up with me.

Clearly I'm still being lazy...

Since the last time I blogged was right after D was home, and here I am, blogging again right after he's been home.

So, D was home for my birthday. Made my day. I love that man so much. His birthday present to me was to change my operating system on the computer. I am no longer using Windows, and I couldn't be happier about that. It's definitely different than what I am used to, but I still like it much better.

We went out to dinner at Chili's for my birthday, using a gift card that my parents gave to us for Christmas. Is it really cheesy and pathetic that I am keeping the little gift card holder that the card came in because it was the first gift anyone gave to both of us in our relationship? Ok, yeah, dumb question. I know it's cheesy, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Anyway, back to my story. We went out to dinner at Chili's and it was really nice. It was nice to spend some time alone with him, and yet be out doing something at the same time. Plus I did need a break from the family. I love the kids to death, and I love my parents, too, but sometimes I just need to get away. And it was nice to get away with D.

He was also over for dinner last night, and then we watched a movie together after the kids went to bed. Then, of course, we had to say our goodbyes as he had to leave today. That was hard. I hate saying goodbye to him. Three weeks never felt so long until I met him. Now it seems like forever.

I think some of that may be because I know how unhappy he is with his current job. He loves what he does, but right now he really hates it. He's not getting enough miles, so he's not making any real money. He's constantly stressed and miserable, and there's nothing I can do to make it better. He was already starting to stress and get tense last night while we were watching the movie, and by this morning, he was (I think) as tense as he was before he got home. I keep trying to nudge him into calling some other companies and checking into making a move, but he hasn't done it. And I don't want to push too hard and seem like a nag or like I'm trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Whatever decision he makes, regardless of whether I agree with it or not, I will support him. But I want him to be happy. And I think he knows as well as I do that it's not going to happen where he's at now. He started with this company 4.5 yrs ago, when he first started driving, with the intention of retiring from it. I can understand how hard it is to let go of that idea, but I also see what it's doing to him to stay there, and that kills me. This is the one part of being in a relationship that I forgot about...having to watch the man you love be unhappy, and not being able to do anything about it.

C & J had a great Christmas. They loved the legos that D bought for them. They have, in fact, played with them more than any other gift they got for Christmas. And they got quite a bit of really awesome stuff. Heck, they got stuff that I want to play with!

D loved what I got him. I got him a Zippo lighter engraved with his initials and some lovey dovey sentiments. Of course, once I got my gift from him, I kinda feel like it wasn't enough, even though I put tons of thought into it. He got me a gorgeous stand mixer. This thing is just....oh, wow. That's all I can say. 6 qt bowl, major power. I've made carrot cake and chocolate chip cookies so far using it, and I'm in absolute heaven.

The boys are back in school. They went back on Monday. It's been a rough week. Monday night J was wild. It was almost like someone drugged him at school, he just could not calm down no matter what. Screaming, yelling, carrying on. As the week went on, he got better, thankfully. As much as I loved them being home, getting to spend more time with them, being able to sleep past the crack of dawn, I am glad they're back in school. I can start working on getting the house back into some sort of order, and I get a little bit of me time while they're at school. I can get things done online, read, try to figure out how to get a job when there are no jobs to be had.

Things are settling back to normal. Hopefully I'll start posting a little more often. Or not. Who knows? :)

Once again, I have been slacking...

So sorry about that. Been kind of...distracted.

D was home last week. He should have been home on Friday, 12/11. But, of course...truck drivers are NEVER home when they should be. Not his fault, but I must say I'd love nothing better than to hire a hitman for his dispatcher right now. He didn't get home until Sunday night. They couldn't find him a load to get him home. He was stuck in Mobile, AL. It cost him more to sit there than it did to get home. He's supposed to be home for my birthday, and is in fact, putting in for a couple of days beforehand, so that he should, even late, be here for the actual day, but if he's not...there's a man in NE that will not like me very much. :)

It was nice that he was home, though. I didn't get to spend nearly as much time with him as I would have liked, but still. He met the kids and my parents, and things went amazingly well. Better than I expected, in fact. The kids adore him. They love his truck, and they are so excited because he got them Christmas presents. And boy, did he get them presents. I figured he was just going to get them a little something, kind of a "don't hate me for dating your mom" kind of thing. He went beyond that. He went more into "I'm dating your mom, and I'll do anything I have to to get you to think I'm awesome". The boys are going to absolutely lose it when they see what he got them, I think.

My parents seem to really like him so far, too. Of course, my dad says anything is an improvement over my ex, so it's still kind of hard to judge. But they got along really well, and D scored major points by not being intimidated or afraid of my dad. EVERYONE is always terrified of my dad, so the man who is not impresses me in a big way.

But I did end up getting insecure, more than once, and almost ruining the little bit of time that we had together. Lucky for me, he's a very forgiving and patient man, and isn't willing to let my insecurities get in the way of our relationship, even though I seem to be trying to. I'm working really hard on getting past all that stupid crap, though. D is too wonderful to let go.

All my Christmas shopping is done. Everything is wrapped, except for a last couple of gifts for D from the boys, only because they haven't gotten here yet. I ordered them, but apparently there's been some kind of delay. So...he has his gift from me on the truck with him, but he won't get his gifts from the boys until he gets home. It sucks. And he won't be here for Christmas, which really sucks. I told him I would use the video function on my camera to tape the boys opening his gifts and then e-mail it to him so he can at least see it.

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do for my parents for Christmas. There's not much I can think of that's new or different from what I've done before, and they really don't need any more of that kind of stuff.

Kids are out of school for the break. Two weeks at home.....aaaahhhh! I don't think I'll survive it. Someone save me now! Seriously, it's not THAT bad. But I didn't get a whole lot of sleep while D was home, and I'm trying to catch up, but...well, it takes a while, ya know? And trying to keep two kids away from the tree and the presents and keep them entertained when funds are limited so you're pretty much stuck at home is...well, not fun.

Oh, and just to give you a laugh...while D was home, most nights after the boys went to bed at 9, he and I would leave and go out. Since it was pretty much our only time alone together, we'd be out til quite late, usually about 3am (now you know why I'm so tired!). Well, on I think the second night, I came sneaking in as quietly as I could, trying not to trip or stub a toe or do anything that might make noise and wake up the house. I'd left the tree lights on when I left, thinking to use them to see by. Well, my mother turned them off. So I'm kind of sliding my feet thru the house. I get to my room, turn on my light, put my purse down and turn to go to the bathroom and change for bed. There's my 8 yr old, arms folded across his chest with this look on his face.

"Where have you been?"

"Out with D. Go to bed."

"Do you know what time it is? You have to get up in the morning."

"Yes, I do know what time it is. Do you? And yes, I know I have to get up in the morning. Go to bed."

"Why did the light keep coming on and off?" (We have motion activated lights.)

Oops.

"D and I were talking. Go to bed."

"Mom, you have responsibilities. You can't stay out this late."

"Go to bed!"

Finally, my mini father goes back to bed.

That evening, comes out that not only does my 8 yr old know what time I'm getting home, so does everyone else, except my 6 yr old. So much for thinking I was sneaking in and being quiet.

Even Bigger Big Changes

So, the move is complete. Well, mostly. Everything is out of the old house, and into the new place. Slowly things are getting put in their new places, as we figure out where those places are. In the meantime, my bedroom is a maze of boxes and I feel as though I'm on a reality game show everytime I try to go from one spot to another.

D & I have taken a huge step in our relationship. We said THAT word. :) It is really very funny how it all happened. I've been thinking for some time now that I am in love with him, but I didn't want to say it. I was afraid it was too soon, too much, too...everything. Apparently, he was wrestling with the same thoughts. The night before last, he was twisting himself into a pretzel thinking through the whole thing out loud before he finally said, "Damn it, I love you!". It was awesome. Have to say though, it's the first time anyone has declared their love for me using the words "damn it". LOL It was a huge relief to have said it now, though.

We also decided he's going to meet C & J when he's home next time. I think it's time. I always swore I'd never bring someone around my kids until he'd been a part of my life for at least 6 months, and that it would have to be serious. But this is different. I think it definitely qualifies under the serious restriction. And although it hasn't been 6 months, there's just something telling me that waiting would be a mistake. I don't want the kids to feel left out. And I think that in 6 months, things may be so serious and so far along that the kids will really feel as though I left them out and didn't want to include them. And I can't do that to them. Plus, I really want them to like him. I think they will, I can't really see why they wouldn't, but they are kids. Kids can be fickle. Plus, they've never had to share me with anyone else(well, C did but he doesn't remember his father living in the same house, so might as well say he never did), and they might think that he is trying to take me away from them. It's better that they meet him now so that there is ample opportunity for them to realize he doesn't want to take me away from them, but just to share me with them.

He's also going to meet my parents. I'm not really sure anymore which is the bigger step in a relationship: meeting the kids or meeting the parents. I suppose it doesn't really matter, as either way is a big deal and is a way of moving the relationship forward into very serious territory.

There'a new country song by Darius Rucker called "History In The Making". The first time I went to meet D, I heard the song 3 different times on 3 different stations on the car stereo. I tried not to think too much of it at the time, but it kind of stuck with me. The first time he kissed me, I kind of heard it in my head. And sometime during our second date I fell in love with him, and thought of that song again. Ok, who am I kidding with the "sometime" crap? I know exactly when it happened. It happened when we were in the museum, standing there looking at this really amazing motorcycle, and he bent down to take a closer look at something, and twisted his arm at this really awkward angle just so he could keep holding my hand, and I was just looking at him while he did that and I just thought right at that moment, "Oh, my God, I am in love with this man." He's just...amazing. I really, truly love him.

I've never been happier than I am right now.

He Thinks I Make Killer Banana Bread :)

As if I didn't think D was already awesome, now I got to hear him brag about me. As I may or may not have mentioned before, he's an OTR truck driver. He also trains new drivers. Right now, he has a student on the truck with him. When he was home last week, I made him some banana bread, which he absolutely loved.

Last night, he asked what the kids and I were having for dinner, which happened to be meatball subs and fried spaghetti. He'd never heard of fried spaghetti, but when he repeated it, his student had and made a joke that he'd be right over. That was when D told him "Oh, she makes a killer banana bread, too!". He wants more banana bread the next time he is home. I have no problem obliging. :)

I hate the fact that he is gone for 3 weeks at a time, but I have never been happier than I am right now. I love the thought of him coming home and being in his arms, kissing him and holding him. I wish I could do it the entire time he's home, but alas, we both have things that have to be done. But I do plan on spending as much time in his arms as possible.

I made a joke yesterday that I was going to put a love potion in the banana bread. He said it wouldn't take much. I think I could easily end up falling in love with this man, if I haven't already. I'm trying so hard to remind myself to take it slow and not rush things, but damn, it's hard when you've got such an incredible man.

Big Changes

So, last time I blogged, D and I were just talking on the phone and such, and I was very interested. Well, now we have actually met, and are officially "together". It became official on our second date. :) There was such an instant connection, such great chemistry right from our very first date. We've both already made references to the future, talking about things we'll do next year, and while those kind of things might scare me with someone else, it doesn't with him. We're both already thinking about the whole meeting the family thing, and both think it's going to happen sooner rather than later. My parents are already pretty impressed with him just based on things I've told them. Which, granted, is all good stuff, since I want them to like him. I want the kids to like him too, but they're a little harder to finesse, since I have to worry about making sure they don't get hurt if this all falls apart. But, I really don't think I have to worry about that.

This man just amazes me. When he holds me, I feel so safe and secure, and I just never want to leave his embrace. I love it when he kisses me, and it always makes me smile when he kisses my forehead or the top of my head. I love holding his hand, I love hearing his voice. I never thought I'd be this into someone that I've only known a very short time, and yet...here I am.

Wow!

I've been slightly...distracted(?) and therefore have neglected my blog.

New guy and I have been talking...well, pretty much constantly. Well, sometimes we don't really talk, we just kind of sit there on the phone in silence. And yet somehow, it's not awkward or feeling like it's an indication that things aren't going well. It's more like...comfortable, I guess. It's nice.

He impresses me more with each conversation. He fully accepts my kids. He doesn't refer to them as "the kids" or "the boys" or some other way that kind of seems to keep them at a distance...he'll actually use their names. And he remembers the things that happen. Such as....

J threatened to kill his teacher the day before yesterday. He got mad at her because she disciplined him for some other thing he had done wrong, so he decided to tell some classmates he would kill her. Needless to say, she wrote me a note regarding the situation. I wrote her back and told her how sorry I was that he would say something like that, assured her I had talked to him, and told her that even though he said he had apologized, that he was to do so again. I mentioned this to new guy (let's call him D, shall we?), and mentioned all this to D. Today, he asked me if J had apologized to his teacher, and when I said that J told me he had, asked me if I was sure. This prompted me to e-mail the teacher to confirm.

He also remembers things that I don't even remember mentioning. I mentioned having gone to school for phlebotomy and he remembered that and brought it up in another conversation. I had to go back and read thru our conversations because I didn't even remember mentioning it. It's little things like that that just melt me, and he doesn't even know it.

I don't know what it is about him, but there is something that just makes me excited to talk to him, disappointed to have to end our phone calls, and incredibly glad that I signed up for a dating site out of boredom and then contacted him. When I read his profile, I was instantly drawn. But, I hesitated a moment before actually hitting the "Send Message" button. After the fiasco with my ex-boyfriend, and the disaster that was my marriage, I've still been hesitant about starting something new. But, I just couldn't resist and I figured that it wouldn't go very far. Thinking that we'd end up as nothing more than friends, or that one or both of us would quickly lose interest, I sent that first message.

And now here I am, deeply interested in a guy I've yet to meet, but desperately want to meet. I'm so comfortable when I talk to him, I find myself telling him things that I've never told anyone else. I say things without thinking. I usually think about how stupid something will make me sound, or worry about looking like a goofball or something. But with him...it just comes out. I don't worry that he'll laugh at me, and even if he does laugh at me, I'm usually laughing too.

I don't know where this is going, but I have high hopes and I really think it's going to be a good thing, if not a great thing.

Soooo.....

The kids brought home their report cards yesterday. C still has a D in math, which he knows I'm not happy about, but the rest of his grades are C's & B's, which although they could be better, I'll accept. Conduct is still S in all, so I'm proud of him for that. He's come quite a long way with his ADHD. J came home with all E's & S's, and S's in conduct. He's doing really great.

I had to get a new printer today. I discovered the other morning that my old one was not compatible with Vista. I checked, before I got my new computer, to make sure that all my different software would be compatible, never even thought about the stupid printer until I tried to print something out for the kids' teachers and it wouldn't print.

J had his field trip today, and he came home thrilled to death. The most exciting part of his day: a tie between milking the goat and petting the pig...on the butt. Kids are strange.

I no longer have cause to complain about jerks, liars and losers...well, for now, anyway. I've been talking to this man lately, and I'm very interested in him. Maybe more than I should be, I don't know. I really like him a lot. He makes me laugh, and if he's not making me laugh, he's at least making me smile. He's a really nice guy, and every time I talk to him, I find myself liking him even more. I haven't met him yet, although I really want to. I'm just not sure if he likes me as much as I like him. I'd like to think he does, but...it's been a while since I got to this point with a new guy. When Crazy Ex-Boyfriend and I got together, we had known each other before, so there really wasn't that whole getting to know each other and figuring out where we stand phase. We just kind of jumped right in, since we already knew each other...and he'd made it pretty clear how he felt about me.

Most of the guys I've talked to lately, after two or three conversations, I find myself losing interest. I don't even know why. But every time I talk to him, I enjoy it and I hate it when we have to hang up or stop instant messaging. And if I don't lose interest in them (which is usually the case), they decide they don't want to deal with the fact that I have kids, which is especially annoying when they already knew I have them before the first conversation even started. Not only does he not mind that I have kids, but he actually listens to me blab on and on about them or to them (or at least, he pretends to listen). I've even found myself telling him things I've never told anyone else. I'm not sure if that should make me happy or scare me.

I don't know what's going to happen with him, but I know what I hope will happen.

E and I are still friends, but neither one of us wants more than that. We don't really have enough in common for more than that, and he seems to want someone that can pick up at a moment's notice to go to dinner or whatever. He didn't mind the kids, but he just needs someone who can be more spontaneous. No big deal, no drama there. :)

By the way, speaking of men, is anyone looking for a slightly clingy, unintentionally annoying, more than ready for a commitment kind of guy? Because I know one that I would just love to see him happy...with someone else.

Halloween Night and Creepy Guys

Halloween really wasn't that great this year. The local church was supposedly having "Trunk or Treat", but they didn't bother to list the time. So the kids missed that. The Haunted House toned down the scariness so much that the kids weren't the least bit impressed, and actually, I think they were quite bored with it. The Haunted Woods didn't start until too late, so they missed that. And there were 5 houses in our entire neighborhood that actually handed out candy, and one of those was my parents. The kids did get some candy, and had a little fun, but not as much as usual, and they were really disappointed that they didn't get to do as much as they usually do. This year was really a letdown.

As I've mentioned before, I keep getting a lot of liars responding to my profile online. Namely one who keeps lying about his age. Well, now he's gone from "liar" to "creepy desperate loser". I sent him a message pretty much calling him a liar, and he sends me a poem about how much he loves me and hates being so far away (a poem which a friend pointed out that he probably cut and pasted from somewhere, and he is probably right). That was really creepy. If someone called me a liar, my response would not be to profess my love for them. Especially if they were a stranger to me. So, I told the creepy desperate loser to leave me alone, and I've not heard from him since, so I'm hoping this was the last of him.

Well, it's late and I think I'm off to bed.

How Things Change

Before I had kids, dating was easy. I was free whenever I wanted to go out, and I could date guys who were of slightly iffy character, because I didn't have to worry about anyone but me. And I (stupidly in retrospect) thought that I could take care of myself just fine and had nothing to worry about.

My ex-husband changed all of that. Not just because he gave me the two kids that I now have to worry about, but because he was such a major *insert REALLY dirty word here* that my standards have gotten drastically higher.

While they are higher, I don't think my standards are really that much to ask. I want a man that is mentally stable (by mentally stable I mean don't tell me aliens are your best friend or that you're in love with me 5 seconds after we met). I want someone who actually wants to be with me, and is willing to give up other women to do so. Someone who can make me laugh, and who, although he might have the power to break my heart, won't actually do it just because he can. And is it really so much to ask that he be honest? And I don't just mean on the big things. If you're 28, tell me that. Don't lie and say you're 39. I mean, really. I can tell just by looking at you that you're not. And oh, if you're married, pass me by. I know what it's like to be the wife sitting at home thinking my husband is out with his "buddy" while in reality he's banging the bartender at his favorite bar. Now, I'm not a bartender, but I refuse to play her role in your version.

My friends keep telling me that I can find guys who meet these standards. I hope they're right. E is certainly nice enough, so they're probably right. But E and I are only going to be friends, I think. I did just start talking to someone else, and so far, he seems really nice. We've only had a couple of conversations so far, though, so we'll see.

And on another note, if you want a really good laugh, find a 6 yr old boy and teach him to sing "Superfreak". J heard this on the Visa commercial the other day, and for the last week has run around the house singing, "She's a superfreak, superfreak, she's superfreaky". It might not be entirely appropriate, but it is completely hilarious.

Halloween

My sons have decided that this year, they want to be lizards for Halloween. Not only that, but they want me to MAKE the costumes. Do you know the enormity of this task? The easiest I can find is using a pillowcase and even that one does not sound as simple as I would like. Why can't children pick easy things to be, like a hobo (I can throw old clothes on them, let them roll around in the dirt and there we are), or a vampire or something?

This weekend, we are going to the local farm for their Fall Fun Nights. They have a hay maze, a reptile exhibit in the barn, a moonlight hayride, and some other really interesting things. The boys are excited beyond belief at the thought of going to the farm after dark, wandering a maze and riding through a cow pasture, smelling manure and looking at the moon. My mom is going to go with us, since my ankle is not yet 100%. I need a little back up in case something happens.

Then, on Halloween, or rather the day before, we are going to go to a haunted house that is being held here in town. This I am a bit nervous about, I will admit. Wandering in the dark, thru a maze, with someone who doesn't know I've been injured intentionally trying to scare me. Yeah, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. Yet, I will do it, for my children. It is amazing the lengths we go to to make our children happy and keep them entertained.

There's also a haunted woods being hosted by a local cub scout troop, but I am very hesitant about that one. Wandering in the woods with someone intentionally trying to scare me sounds even more disasterous than the maze. Maybe next year.

Thursday night, we have a school function to go to. They serve dinner, and then they are going to talk to us about helping our kids read and give us tips on helping them get excited and wanting to read. This will be the 4th time I've gone, and frankly, I'm a little tired of it. It's the same stuff every year. But, the boys get very excited about eating dinner at school, and since it's a meal that I don't have to cook, we go. One year, they had a little fair outside, with a bouncy house, an inflatable slide, fire truck, and the county sheriff's helicopter. That was much more fun than the typical. Unfortunately, we're back to the typical.

They have a new principal at the school this year. Mr. Z retired at the end of the last school year. I only met him once, or maybe twice, but he certainly seemed involved and to care about the students. This new principal, Mr. C claims to care about the school, and the students, and to listen to your concerns. I personally doubt his sincerity. It's difficult to put into words, but when I had to meet with him a couple of weeks ago about my concerns with my son's homework and his substitute teacher, I felt very strongly that although his words indicated concern and that he would try to eliminate my concerns, that his intention was to simply get me out of his office. As I told a friend of mine later that afternoon, one who also has a student there and who doesn't like Mr. C, I'll let it go for now, but the moment I think my son's education is being impacted by this man and his seeming lack of concern, I will be back in that school, and I will make sure something is done, even if it ends up being that I remove my children from that school and send them somewhere else or homeschool them. I don't want to resort to that, I love this school and so far, I have always felt my children were getting an above average education there, considering FCAT and all the other things that inhibit teachers from giving a real education, but I will not have my children suffer under the rule of a principal that doesn't truly care about his students and is only in it for the politics.

I've gotten a few responses to my online dating profile. And I've responded to a few profiles on my own. We'll see where things go. It helps if they're honest with me about facts, like you know...age, marital status, having kids. I mean, do you really think when you're 28 and you tell me that you're 39 that I won't eventually find out? And while I'm flattered that you are so interested in me, you're willing to lie and make yourself older in order to get my attention, I'm not THAT flattered.

Dating is hard when you have kids...

So, as I mentioned in my previous post, I've begun dating again. Well...sort of. I am talking to someone, call him E, but we've yet to have an actual "date". I don't think it's for lack of trying though. He tries to ask me out, but he does it at the last minute, which is not a good thing when you have kids. I can't just pick up and go, although pre-kids, I would have.

Anyway, last night is a good example. We were chatting online and then decided to chat on the phone instead. It was about 8pm. We were chatting, and then he asked me if I'd had dinner yet. I said yes, because the kids and I had eaten early. He then said he was getting ready to make some pasta with shrimp. He was trying to ask me to dinner, but since it was last minute, I'd already eaten and getting a sitter would have proven...well, impossible.

He's very nice, and he expresses a real interest in me. I hate it when men try to "play it cool" and pretend they aren't interested. That just drives me nuts. He has a stutter, which although mildly distracting, I also find rather sweet and attractive. But we do seem to have that stumbling block of him not really getting it that I have kids and can't just pick up and go at the drop of a hat. So, we'll see.

And on another note, I found out today that my ex-husband is engaged. This is not distressing news to me, although he and his ego probably think it is or should be. I actually find it rather amusing. I almost (key word here being "almost") feel sorry for her. She has no idea what she is getting herself into. This actually could be a very good thing for me, and my children, because if he marries her and focuses on having children with her, he will not bother to come around and try to influence my children. Some people would say that I am wrong for feeling this way, but when you look at his past history, and the kind of person he is, I have very strong, valid reasons for not wanting him to be an influence on my sons. And anything that gets him going the opposite direction from us is something that I welcome.

The weather has cooled off considerably this weekend, and although it will not last, I welcome it. It is beautiful, and I love being able to sit outside while the kids play without feeling like I could be served with potatoes and carrots for dinner. In fact, right now it is 12:10pm and only 58 degrees outside. Lovely!

And on that note, I think I will take the kids outside.

Life (and my computer) has moved on...

Well, since my last post many things have happened. The most recent of which being that I had to replace my computer. I was having tons and tons of trouble, not the least of which being that I had no sound at all (which, after getting the new computer, I discovered was actually the monitor and NOT the computer). So, I got a new computer, which is actually pretty cool anyway. It has Vista, which I am so far finding to be much easier than XP. We'll see, though.

On another note, I've also managed to have start, have, and end a fairly serious relationship. I actually got back together with an old boyfriend, only to discover that he is....well, the nicest way to put this is to say he is unstable. He holds some...ideas that are not only hard to swallow, but difficult not to find terrifying. On top of which, he also has a drinking problem, one which he not only will not acknowledge, but not get help for either. More problems than I can deal with.

So, our shortlived relationship lasted 5 months. When he told me aliens were standing at his front door looking in at him, the words "I think we need to see other people" tumbled out of my mouth before I even realized I wanted to say them. That was about a month ago, I guess.

I've moved on. I have actually posted a profile on a couple of dating sites, and so far have met one or two nice guys. Well, "met" might not quite be the right word. We talk online, and have spoken on the phone a time or two. I've also managed to find a crazy or two. That seems to be my life. I find a nice guy, and two crazy men tag along behind him. I have been talking to one though that although we have not talked much, I think he's very nice. He is very, very cute, and he seems incredibly sweet. We'll see where it goes, and if nothing else, I think he'll make a great friend.

The kids are back in school. C has a sub right now, for the next 5 weeks or so, which his regular teacher is out on maternity leave. This has been a struggle. C and the sub do not get along well at all. And I myself have had a run in with her, although I will admit that part of mine may have been impacted by the fact that at first sight, she strongly reminded me of my dead grandmother, whom I did not get along with at all. J is in Kindergarten this year, and he is doing splendidly so far. He's had few behavior issues, and his academics are outstanding. I'm hoping it will stay this way.

They both have field trips coming up in the next couple of weeks, one to the local petting farm, the other to a local museum. They should both have loads of fun. We, as a family, are going to go to the farm next weekend for their Fall Fun Nights, where they have a hay maze, a reptile exhibit, a nighttime hay ride, and many other things. Halloween night, or somewhere right around then, we are going to a haunted house. Trick or treating is an iffy proposition this year, as one of the other recent developments was breaking my ankle.

Back in July, I broke my ankle when I stepped in a hole the dog dug. I broke it in two places, and had to have surgery. Two screws were put in the joint of my ankle. I have only recently (as in Tuesday) begun walking with absolutely no assistance. I got off the crutches mid-September, but still had to wear a walking boot. Now, I'm boot free! It still hurts, but not as bad. The progress is very very slow, but very very sure.

Well, that's all the updates for now.

Memories, Love, Time

School starts on Monday. My oldest, C, will be in 2nd grade this year. My baby, J, is starting Pre-K. Until today, I've been able to convince myself that it was only Pre-K, not "real" school. But today we went to school and met the teacher. And now it's all too real to me. My baby is starting school. He's not my baby anymore. This is not something that is easily realized. This is hard to accept, to deal with. It seems like only yesterday that I gave birth to him, and yet here he is starting school.

C is in 2nd grade, and though I had a rough day the day he started kindergarten, I am now comfortable with his first days. I make sure he knows where his classroom is, give him a hug and a kiss, and we all go on our merry ways. I'm afraid, though, that I will have a much tougher time come Monday with J. Even though I knew this day was coming, and have known for a very long time, it just seems to have snuck up on me. Here I am, rolling along with a soon-to-be 2nd grader, and my 4 yr old baby, and then BOOM! It's time for my baby to be in school.


There are too many things in my life that I want to change, and can't do anything about.

Inspiration...and the lack thereof

As you may or may not have figured out by now, I enjoy writing. I write stories, short stories, and poetry. I've generally been much more prolific with my poetry. Lately, though, I just can't come up with anything. I'm surrounded by the beauty of nature, the beauty of my children, my family, my home, friends and just the general beauty of life. And yet...nothing.

I sit down with pen and paper, and if I'm lucky, a line or two will dribble forth as water from a nearly but not quite frozen pipe. I'll feel the poem building like storm clouds in a Florida summer sky, but like those same clouds in recent times, nothing seems to fall from that building sensation. I end up sitting there, feeling abandoned by my ability and hating the feeling.

I used to be able to sit down and bang out a rather decent poem in 20-30 minutes, one that often made family and friends have a tear or two in their eyes, and even on occasion, had some asking to use said poem in a wedding ceremony, for an anniversary, or what have you. This complete lack of inspiration has me stymied.

It's just beyond me that after years of writing poetry about so many things, about love, and life, and abuse, and children, and everything else, that I just can't do it anymore. And I think maybe that's what bothers me the most...that this lack may not be just a temporary block, but a permanent end to my writing days. And that doesn't just bother me...it scares me.

I have other hobbies and talents, yes. But this is the one that has always been there, that I've always turned to, that I've been able to do anytime, anywhere. It's the one that has always helped me work my feelings out, sort myself out, express myself and show people what I'm feeling at any given time. And now, what do I do?

I think I've found an answer. One of my other big hobbies is photography. I'm actually kind of the family photographer. I use my digital camera to do my family's photo every year, and my son's school photos. I seem to have a knack for catching people in natural poses and coming out with an awesome photo. I enjoy taking pictures of nature, too, and just any little thing that grabs my curiousity at a given time. So...I think I shall start carrying my camera with me everywhere, and see what develops. Sorry...bad joke. Seriously, though, I've given this quite a bit of thought recently, and I'm thinking this may be a sign telling me to embrace this hobby a bit more fully than I have in the past. I've generally just used it to capture my children, to make concrete memories that will never fade. I've only sometimes used it to capture nature, and other things. I feel that maybe this is a knock on the door from opportunity, telling me to use this lack of inspiration to create other art. I've always been a creative person, and desperately need that creative outlet. Photography may be the way to keep that outlet open.

On a different note, have you ever suddenly seen someone you thought you knew pretty well in a completely different way, and it made you feel...I don't know, just very differently about them? I recently had that experience. Someone I'd known for a while now, nice guy. Someone I'd always thought was a pretty decent kind of guy. He was former military, which almost always means good guy. He was the kind of guy you can see yourself dating, but you hold off on because you don't want to lose the friendship. He knows of my woes with my ex-husband, and has often told me what he thinks of my ex. He often expounds on his theories of men who don't care for their children, take responsibility for their families, etc. He has a child himself, has shown me the pics. Cute little girl, too.

So he tells me he's finally gotten around to creating a MySpace page. He wants me to check it out and give him some feedback. So, I go, I check out, and not bad. then I get to the bottom where you do a little fill-in-the-blank on your basic stats. Under children, he puts "Someday". Huh? He's got this little girl, she's, I don't know, 3 or 4, around my son's age, and he doesn't acknowledge her in his MySpace profile? The same guy who tells me what an ass my ex-husband is for not taking care of my kids(which he is, but...) is now not acknowledging his child? I, with my big mouth and my inability to shut it sometimes, ask him what's up here. He says he doesn't want to chase women away. Hmmm...yes, I run screaming into the night when I find a nice guy who takes care of his responsibilities and is proud of that. I always avoid the men who take care of their kids, because God knows no one wants a man who's being decent.

This has been an enlightening experience for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. But I try really damn hard not to be a hypocrite, and finding out that my friend is one is...difficult. It has me wondering if I can continue this friendship. It's not exactly a betrayal to me, but it is...something. It's a side of him that I never thought I'd see, and definitely not one I wanted to see. I just feel that it's not something that I can just overlook. And the saddest part is that it has me wondering just how many of my other friends are just as hypocritical, lying about who and what they are to others, just to make a different impression. Notice I said different, not better.

I'm just completely disgusted with the world tonight.

Memories...and confidence

Have you ever noticed how odd some memories can be? Well, not the memories themselves, exactly, but the fact that you remember them. I mean, I can remember this one guy, we only had like 5 or 6 dates, but I remember him more clearly than the guy I dated for 5 yrs just before and throughout high school. The 5 or 6 date guy was named Bryan. Bryan took me to see George Carlin live at the O'Connell Center in Gainesville, FL for our first date with a couple of his buddies. He kissed me in my car right after that show. On a later date, he took me to Outback for dinner and proceeded to tip our waiter $16 because he was so focused on me and getting me alone. Yet I can't for the life of me remember exactly how I met the guy I dated for 5 yrs.

I suddenly thought of an old friend from high school the other day. His name was Dylan. I don't even know why I thought of him, his name just suddenly popped into my head one day, and I started wondering how he is doing these days. I've thought about looking him up, but...I don't know. We always had this kind of rocky friendship/half-relationship kind of thing going on, and I don't know that I'd want to rekindle something that unstable at this point in my life. It's been 11 or 12 yrs since I saw him, I know he's changed, but I've found through experience that relationships like that tend to keep the same characteristics no matter how many years pass. Maybe I will look him up, just for the hell of it. Maybe he has a MySpace page or something where I can see what he looks like these days. I recall him being pretty hot, but that's the other funny thing about memories...they tend to dull the sharp edges and make things seem better than they really were. I had another old...friend, and I happened to come across a recent picture of him the other day....the only thing I could think was, what the hell was I thinking? I was in love with that guy, and it's become real clear now that it WASN'T based on his looks. In total honesty, I do remember why I was in love with him, and they were reasons that I am sure still reside behind the oddly unattractive-to-me-now facade, but it was just very weird to have that awakening to him. It was as though all those years of friendship and...other stuff, I was moving around with my eyes closed and never saw him, only heard his voice and felt his touch. Now I've seen him, and it's kind of a shock. I don't know...like I said, weird.

On other things, have you ever looked at where your confidence comes from? I started thinking about this the other day. I'm not sure why (I have a very boring job that allows lots of time to think of the oddest things). I remember, before I had my sons, before I got married, before all this crap that became my life happened, I used to date. A lot. Had tons of boyfriends, a date pretty much every Friday and Saturday night, and occasionally during the week too. My confidence was through the roof. I knew that pretty much all I had to do was crook my little red or pink nail painted finger and I'd have 1 or even 2 guys tripping over themselves to get the door for me. And no, I'm not being overly cocky. That really was my situation.

Now I have 2 kids, I'm overweight and out of shape from having them (but I am working on that), and I don't date. No time. Yet, my confidence level is even higher than before. It no longer comes from my ability to get a man, which I now realize was a pretty shallow and stupid reason to feel such confidence. My confidence these days comes from who I am. I am a single mother. I support my children with no help whatsoever from their father. I am sole financial, physical, and emotional support for my children. My children eat a healthy meal each and every night, because of me. They take a bath and get clean, and go to bed on time, because of me. My confidence now stems from the knowledge that I am taking care of my kids, without anyone's help, and that I'm doing a damn good job of it. My ex-husband once told me when I told him I wanted a divorce that I could never make it without him. I laughed in his face when he said that, but deep down, I wasn't so sure. Although I'd been ready to raise my son by myself if his father hadn't stuck around, now I was a stay at home mom. Could I really take care of him, and the child I was currently carrying, alone? Could I make it without him?

I took that chance anyway, and hoped for the best. And now, everytime I take him to court to be held in contempt for his failure (read that:refusal) to pay child support, I look him in the eye with my chin held high, knowing that I have proven his attempted prophecy wrong. I am making it without him, quite literally. I am taking care of my family, entirely on my own. And yes, it is stressful. It's hard, and it's exhausting, and there are times I feel ready to throw in the towel and cry defeat. But, I don't. I push through and I keep going, because there's nothing else to do BUT keep going. And that is where my confidence comes from now. And that confidence is what helps me push through the day when I'm having a bad day at work, and hating my job, wishing I could quit. It what keeps me from giving up when I can't get my son to understand his homework from the way I explain it to him, and gets me to explain it to him just one more time, in a slightly different way, until it clicks.

Where does your confidence come from?

Those left behind

Sometimes you come across a book that touches you and really makes you think instead of just entertaining you briefly. I just re-read such a book. The Snow Garden by Christopher Rice is a book....well, I'm going to give you my summary since the book has none that I've ever found. It's a book about a group of college students, all of whom have a tragic past that they are trying to escape, by creating themselves anew, some more than others. Randall Stone, who is running from the fact that he (possibly unintentionally) killed his entire town, is the most successful at doing so, although all of them, and even a professor, are all moderately successful at this task. The book follows them from when they start at the college, backtracking into their pasts to give you the story of why they are so desperate to escape who they are. It's a really good book.

As I read it, and after I finished it late this afternoon, I couldn't help but wonder, how many of us would really like to do this ourselves. I mean, I'll be the first to admit there are some things I'd like to outrun, change, erase, or whatever I could do to eliminate them from my history. But, given the actual opportunity, the chance, to really do it, would I? When I sit here right now, with it not being a true possibility, I can say yes, I would. But I also know that that's not a realistic answer, because I know I can't do it, so it's easy to say I would.

But, the weirdest thing about all this is that as I'm having these thoughts, I get a phone call. Someone that I've been acquainted with, and who's been a friend of my family for years, shot his girlfriend in the face and then killed himself last night. Her young son discovered her lying on the couch, injured but alive, and found his body. It seems so strange to have finished this book and now am trying to accept that someone I knew could do something like this. There is no explanation at this point for why he did it, although there will never be one to satisfy those left behind. What reason can you give for attempting to kill someone you love, and then killing yourself? What can you say that will ease the suffering and the grief that those who are left to pick up the pieces and carry on? As far as I've ever known, there is nothing.

But, at the same time, I'm also reminded of Stephen King's Lisey's Story, which is, to quote Nora Roberts, at its core, a love story. This book shows you the strange and twisted ways that people will sometimes show their love. We always think that people who abuse their children, kill their spouses, or kill themselves, obviously don't love those people. And while it will never make such tragedies right or acceptable, it does make you take a step back and think, "Wait a minute. What s/he did wasn't right. And obviously there was something wrong there. But maybe I shouldn't be so quick to say s/he didn't love them."

I say that because I know that in no time, there are going to be people who are going to say that he must not have loved her, or that he hated her, or what have you. And you know what, maybe they will be right. But, maybe, just maybe, they're not. Maybe he did love her. Maybe the problem did not lie in his feelings for her, but his feelings for himself, or some other situation. That doesn't make it right.

I'm not condoning what he did. I'm not saying he's right, or that what he did was acceptable, okay, or even understandable. I don't understand it. To be honest, I don't know that I want to understand it. That might require going somewhere in my mind that I don't want to go, somewhere where insanity and depravation lives in all of us. But what I am saying is that we should not judge him, should not be judge and jury in the trial of his life. Obviously, he made a mistake, and it's not one he can ever atone for or make right now. So maybe we should cut him some slack, and instead of passing judgment, think of those he left behind. Those, like the girlfriend he shot, who now has to forever wonder why he did this. Or her son, who will forever wake up from nightmares in which he continues to find his mother's bloody form on their couch. Or his best friend and business partner, who doesn't understand any of it, and just wants his best friend alive and well again. None of them want to hear anyone say how horrible a person he was, or how he didn't love whoever, or deserved what he got or any of the other millions of stupid, petty, judgmental comments we all make when we see these situations on the news and in the paper. Yes, I've done it too. But now that the news story exists outside the TV and the paper for me, I realize how wrong we all are to do that.

His friends and family will grieve for him. We will, because regardless of his reasons, he was a living man and he deserves to have someone grieve for him. But we will also grieve for the ones he left behind, the ones he left to try to pick up shattered pieces of life and try to glue them back together into some resemblance of what they used to be, even though it will never be the same. That gaping hole that was him will never be filled, and life will never be the same.

Regret? Or just wishful thinking?

When I was 17, I worked as a cashier in a grocery store. I loved that job; and I was so good at it, too. Not that I'm not good at the much more complicated jobs I've had since then; it was just something to really be proud of at that time. But, that's not my point.

While working at this grocery store, I met a much older man. He was 24. He was sexy, funny, sweet, everything a girl could possibly look for in a man. But, of course, being 17, I was too stupid to realize the good thing I had, and so for the next few years, we had a yo-yo relationship: up and down, on and off, him waiting patiently for me to grow up, me wanting something more exciting, dramatic.

Well, end of that story is that I made a huge mistake, although in some ways I don't regret it. I met my ex-husband and got pregnant with my oldest child. The result was, well, of course, my child, but that I married my former jerk-I mean, spouse. I was adult enough to call and try to tell my wonderful guy how stupid I was and what I was doing. After that, I never spoke to him again.

I don't blame him for hating me, despising me, or anything else he may, and probably does, feel for me.

Here's my thing though: There's a lot of nights, I lie awake, wondering where he is, what he's doing, and if there were any possibility he might still love me, and if I found him, maybe we could have a chance.

Which is why I now wonder: Do I truly regret what happened, truly still love him and want another chance with him, or is it the wishful thinking of youth gone by? Is it what I really want, or do I only think I want it because it's not an option? I've looked for him, used every resource I can find that doesn't cost (because as a single mother, I can't afford it!), all to no avail. Which is another reason why I wonder. I mean, if I could have just dialed his number, and had him on the phone, would I still have this longing for him? Or is this a matter of wanting what I can't have?

I'd like to think it's real. I do think it's real. This was a man who meant a lot to me, even though I wouldn't admit it at first. My ex-husband was a mistake, and had I not met him and gotten pregnant, I believe this other guy and I would still be together, with a family of our own. Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying I want to go back and change things. In one sense, I would, because I would still have the other guy. But mostly, I have to say, as much as I regret the end of the relationship, I'd still do it, because it gave me my children. My children are my life, my world, my center. I can't say I would change or regret the situation that resulted in thier births.

I don't mean to sound mopey and depressed. It's just something that I think of quite frequently. I'm sure other people do something similar. I just wonder....are we all regretting what truly could have been, or are we regretting what we've convinced oureslves would have been?