Yawn...

So, yeah, might not be the best time to do this, but...oh, well.

So, D got a new job. He got the call Thursday that an OTR company that runs TCU (temperature controlled units aka refrigerated trucks) wanted to hire him. Friday they called and told him he was going to start today. They have a terminal less than 100 miles from here, so he was able to leave this morning. Early this morning. Like up at 5:30 early this morning. Yeah...I'm tired.

We had a great weekend though. Took D to Fantasy of Flight for his birthday. He and the boys loved it. Not that I didn't have a good time as well, but it was definitely  more of a guy thing. It was very cool to see all those different planes, though.

We stopped at a local mexican restaurant on the way home for dinner. That was also wonderful. Great food, ran into some friends we haven't seen in a while, very relaxing. Then when we left, J whacked his head on a wall and gave himself a minor head wound. Bled like crazy, but he's ok. That kinda put a slight damper on the day, but not much.

Then yesterday, D & I went and packed up his stuff and stuck it in storage, and got the stuff he needed for the truck. We also hit Walmart and did J's birthday shopping. Came home and had dinner, and watched some TV. I'd hoped we'd get to bed early since we had to get up so early, but we still ended up being up until about 10:30. We had to pack his bag, and make sure he had everything he needed.

The alarm went off at 5:30, and I sooo did not want to get up. We ended up laying there for another 15 minutes or so before we finally got up and got moving. I tried to go back to bed after he left, but I couldn't sleep. I'd been awake too long, and the boys got up about a half hour later.

I miss him already, but we'll be ok. He's in orientation now, and by Wednesday morning, he'll be heading out. He's so much happier now. He's not more rested just yet, but he will be.

We're working on things, figuring out how we want to handle everything and get done things we need to get done.

C started his new dose of medication, and there has been quite an improvement. His behavior and attitude are obviously better, but his grades are also increasing. His teacher did tell me that he has 3 D's right now on his progress report, which is unacceptable and he knows it, but they are high D's and the teacher seems to expect them to continue rising. And since I know what he's capable of, I know they will.

Both boys have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. For C, it is a follow up to see how the new dose is doing and also his yearly well child check. For J, it is the well child check, and I'm also going to be talking to the doctor about whether we should increase his dose. His problem is not so obvious grade wise, but in terms of behavior. He gets way cranky in the afternoon and evening, the pill doesn't seem to be as effective for him. He gets in trouble at school for touching other kids and their stuff, for talking too much, for getting out of line, for not doing his classwork properly or for racing ahead of the rest of the class and then getting the work wrong. He comes home and he argues with me, with his brother. He doesn't listen.

Things are improving all the way around. I'm just hoping they stay that way.

Now....I'm off to try to take a nap. Good night...

I'm so excited!!

I don't even know where to start.

D & I are finally back on track. I can honestly say I think we are both happy again. We are moving forward with our relationship again, and not feeling the same uncertainty and confusion that we had been for a while now.

And...the really exciting news....I have a job interview! I've been looking for work for 2 years now. There's been nothing. But, we desperately need me to find something, because D's job just doesn't pay enough for me to stay at home, and the otr thing isn't happening right now.

So Friday morning, I posted a "seeking" ad on a local website, letting potential employers know that I was looking for work. Friday evening, I got a call. That same evening, I emailed my resume to him, and he emailed me an application and an overview of duties and such.

Saturday morning, I'd sent the application back, and last night, he emailed me a 21 page document listing, in detail, the job duties, along with step by step instructions on how to do them. Late last night, he emailed to set a time for the interview.

I am very, very hopeful about this. I have to think that he wouldn't be this quick on everything, or sending me information about the job that is this detailed, if it weren't very likely that I'd get the job. I could be wrong, but I'd rather think positively.

The boys are doing ok. I think J is about to need his med dose upped, as his brother did recently. They both have their appointment next Monday, so we'll discuss it with the doctor then.

D's birthday is tomorrow. Saturday, we're celebrating and he'll get his present. I think he'll really like it; it's something he's wanted for a while. I know the boys are going to enjoy it, too.

Well...I started working on this post this morning, and then I got distracted...well, not distracted, but I had to get some things done. So, I set this aside and got stuff done. During that time period, I've had yet another potential employer respond to my seeking ad. So, now I have two potential jobs in the works. I've gone from having no job prospects and no real hope of finding any to maybe having 2 to choose from. I definitely feel like life is beginning to look up for me.

I had begun to feel as though my depression might be returning. I was finding it very hard to get much of anything done, and it seemed like everything I tried to do ended up turning out all wrong. Now, D & I are doing better, things seem to be improving with the boys, and I should have a job very, very soon. D & I will quickly have the money saved up to move in together. I'm beginning to feel quite happy again.

Things are better. This is good.

So....yeah

A couple of weeks ago, D & I were supposed to meet at a local defunct limestone quarry. It's up for sale, and he had some ideas that he wanted to take a look around and determine if they would work.

On my way to meet him there, a car got in front of me, and decided at the very last second that he was going to turn left right in front of me. This turn required him to slam on his brakes. He had no brake lights, and no turn signal. So I had no warning he was going to do this until my car was nearly making love to his bumper...actually making love is too nice. We know what term should go here.

I could not go out around him as there were other cars there, so I did the only thing I could: slam on my brakes and hope like hell I wouldn't hit him. Well, in this process, I ended up skidding and ended up in the grassy median, facing back in the direction I'd come from. No one was hurt, nothing was damaged. After taking a moment to calm down (and finish cussing the jerk who caused it), I went on and met D. We had a very nice afternoon at the quarry, by the way.

So, anyway, after this little fiasco, I noticed one day that my car seemed very...bumpy. If I was going 20-30 mph, I felt like I was horseback riding. If I went faster than 50, it felt more like, uh...well, let's just say if I were alone in the car, it could have been a lot of fun, shall we? :)

I  mentioned this to my dad, and he commented that when I skidded, I may have "flatspotted" my tires. This is apparently where the rubber gets flattened in one spot when you skid. This, it seems, makes for a bumpy ride much like I was getting.

He didn't seem overly concerned, so I wasn't overly concerned. The consensus seemed to be that the ride would be bumpy, but eventually the tread would wear to match the flatspot and things would be fine.

Yeah...that didn't exactly happen. What happened was that yesterday, I noticed that it seemed to be getting worse. But I thought that perhaps I was simply paranoid, or overly anxious or whatever. Then, this morning, I was certain it was worse. I had come to the conclusion that if D & I felt we could afford it, I was simply going to go get the tires changed, because the bumpiness was beyond annoying. And I was getting somewhat concerned.

Then I left to pick the boys up from school (it was an early day today). I knew then that it was worse, as it got louder. I pulled over to check the tires; everything appeared to be fine. I got back in the car, and pulled back onto the road. I hadn't gone more than maybe 10-20 feet before I heard the bang and pulled back over. I opened my door and before I even got out, I saw the shredded tire and the metal cords inside it.

I was very lucky in that my friend Carolyn drove by, and took me to the school to pick up the boys. My mom came and helped me change the tire, and then I went to our excellent local tire shop and got two tires put on the car. Two hundred and eleven dollars later, my car no longer feels like I'm riding a horse. And I can hear the radio again.

So, yeah, this was not a good day.  I spent money we can't afford to spend, spent time I didn't have on the side of the road, and ended up having something completely different for dinner than I'd planned (since dinner was kind of complicated and I didn't feel like dealing with it).

I had one drink to ease the stress, and now I'm sleepy. Off to watch America's got Talent and then go to bed.

Regardless of what you think, I have thought about this

So, my ex has started (for the time being anyway) making regular, albeit smaller than ordered, child support payments again. Now, my mother is worried that he will call, wanting to see the boys.

I'm not worried. I know he won't call. I know him. He doesn't want the responsibility of kids. That's why he disappeared in the first place. Honestly, I never expected to hear from him in any way, shape, or form ever again. He filed, and then withdrew, to modify the child support. When you read that sentence, read that he filed and then withdrew to try to get the child support lowered, because that's really what it was about. And I'm 99% certain that that's also the only reason why he's now paying child support. And I'm relatively certain that once he figures out a way to get out of it again, the payments will again disappear.

In the process of what was supposed to be a small discussion about this matter, my mother got upset that C told a friend of his that they (my boys) didn't have a dad. Well, no, that's not quite right. She's upset that I didn't immediately correct C on this matter. She feels that I should have told him that he does in fact have a dad and given him all kinds of details about him.

Now, look, we all know I hate my ex. It's pretty much a given. And the fact that I hate him and complain on here about him from time to time is a large part of why I try to keep this as anonymous as possible, so my sons will never associate it with us.

But regardless of how much I hate him, I would never try to interfere in his relationship, if he had one or wanted one, with my sons. HOWEVER, this fact does not mean that I feel it necessary to make him a continued daily presence in my home and my life.

The fact is, 5 years ago, he chose to walk out on my sons. He chose to eliminate himself from their lives. I don't know why; he never bothered to even tell me he was going to walk away. My sons do not remember him walking out on them. They do not ask questions about him; they do not talk about him. That is their choice, not mine.

I do not try to hide him or pretend he does not exist. But I do not think that bringing him up to two boys who don't ask about him is a good idea. To me, it's cruel. I think it would be cruel to continually bring up a father who doesn't come to see them, doesn't call/write/email, and has essentially pretended they don't exist for the last 5 years.

When they ask (and yes, I say when...they will ask one day), I will answer their questions about their father. I will not lie to them, I will not tell them half truths. But I also will not deliberately hurt them.

When they ask why he doesn't come see them, I will tell them that it's because he doesn't know how to be a father. This upsets my mother. She thinks that's lying, because she says we can't know his reasons. No, we can't know his reasons.

But regardless of what she thinks, I have given this statement a lot of thought. It's the most truthful answer I can give them that doesn't leave room for them to think it's their fault.

If I tell them I don't know, they will think I am saying that because I don't want to tell them the truth. They will think I am lying. I refuse to allow that.

If I tell them he's too busy, he doesn't want to come, or anything like that, they will find a way, as children do, to think that that means something is wrong with them, that they did something wrong or bad or that he didn't like, that he doesn't love them.

I'll be damned if I'm going to do that to them.

Telling them he doesn't know how to be a father puts the blame squarely where it belongs: on him.  Not knowing how to do something is no one's fault but your own.

Is it possible that I'm wrong? Of course. There may be an angle to that statement that I haven't seen yet, that will allow them to think it's their fault. There may be other aspects to it that I haven't seen yet that make it wrong.

But I'm doing the best I can here to make sure my sons grow up happy, healthy, and not screwed up by the fact that I divorced their father. I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes, and I'll make more.

I'm doing what I think is right. If it turns out I'm wrong, then I'll deal with it. Just know that I have thought about it, and I really do believe I'm doing the right thing.

...........

So, I started two different posts this week, intending to publish both, and then reaching a point where I stopped for one reason or another. We'll see if this one makes publication.

C has a doctor's appointment this afternoon. His meds are not working, at all. I may have to pay for the meds myself, since I don't think the insurance will cover it because I just filled the Rx for the old dosage a week or so ago. But it needs to be done, even if I do have to pay for it myself. His grades are suffering badly, as well as everything else in his life.

D & I are still doing better, although we did have a major setback yesterday. We've worked it out, and although I'm very hurt by what happened and will have to work to trust his word again, we will get past this. He did something really stupid and that he shouldn't have done, but at least he could admit he messed up. And it certainly wasn't the absolute worst thing he could have done.

He's made trainer at his current job. It doesn't really pay any extra, but he loves teaching others how to drive, so it's a good thing. He's still hoping to get on with this other company, but we'll see how it goes. He's still not thrilled with the place he's at now, but now that he's a trainer, he's a little happier.

J's teacher has seen me a couple of times now, and has told me that J is doing a great job: he listens really well, he pays attention and follows directions, and his grades are excellent.

I'm still trying to figure out how to make some money. The ChaCha thing is doing so-so, it doesn't look like the photography business is really going to take off, and there's just no jobs out there.

I'm sure there's other stuff I meant to talk about, but for now...my brain won't cooperate. So I'm off.

I'm pissed!

So, I'm standing in line at the grocery store this morning. Every Friday, I drop the kids off at school, and then immediately hit the store at the godawful hour of 7:30ish, to avoid the crowds that congregate later.

First, I get stuck standing in line behind a family of three: mom, dad, and little boy. And it seems they like to stand in the checkout line and argue, debate pricing strategy with the cashier, and oh yeah...get the wrong size of everything and run it all back one at a time to get the right size...all while I stand in line behind them with milk getting warm and butter starting to get to room temperature, because there's no other line open. *sigh*

I finally get close enough to put my stuff on the belt. As I wait semi-patiently for them to finish, I start scanning the covers of the various trash magazines that grace the checkout line. I always roll my eyes at the ridiculous headlines, and the only way I ever read those magazines is if someone I know buys them and passes them on to me for whatever reason. Hey, it's free reading material...and I can't survive without something to read.

Then I look at the cover of Us Weekly. On the cover is a picture of some brunette girl with a baby in her arms. The headline reads Teen Mom: I'm Broke. Ummm...why is this newsworthy? There are single moms all over, both teen and otherwise, that are broke. Why, exactly, is this one so special? Oh, yeah, because she is apparently famous, had lots of money, and has now blown it and can't afford rent and food for her baby.

Look, I'm sorry, but I just can't muster any sympathy for this girl, whoever she is. I'm a 31 year old mother of two. I chose to wait until I was stable enough financially to have a child, and mature enough to raise it on my own. Later, my circumstances changed and yeah, now I'm a broke single mom. But I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, and I certainly don't get to be on the cover of a magazine begging for said sympathy.

And what really gets me is that she had money. And blew it. I'm sorry...if you get money, and you're stupid enough to waste it all in today's economy, then you don't get sympathy. Why should we feel sorry for you for being an idiot? Why should we feel sorry for you when you got yourself knocked up? I know, I know, she's young, blah blah blah. Not an excuse anymore. Teenage pregnancy is not the big hush-hush secret it used to be; expectant moms don't get sent to the convent or off to live with Aunt Edith until after the baby's born, to return home claiming they went abroad for a year to expand their horizons. If you aren't smart enough to know that having sex can result in a baby...well, all the more reason you shouldn't be having sex.

And why doesn't she have enough dignity, enough pride, to NOT want to announce on the cover of a national magazine that she was stupid enough to waste the money she had and now can't care for her child? Didn't her mother ever teach her about responsibility? About doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your child? Well, I guess that is expecting a lot from a mother who didn't seem to care enough to make sure her kid didn't waste all her money.

Ok...done ranting. Just had to get that off my chest.

So...D & I are doing pretty good now. Still not great, of course; that'll take time. But we're getting better and better with each day that passes. Looks like he'll be back otr pretty soon, which is good. The place he's currently working is absolutely horrible. This week alone, he had a powering steering line, an air line, and a tire blow...all in a 3 day period. And the owner claims it's the driver's fault if a tire blows. Not sure how exactly he came to that conclusion, but...whatever.

C is going to be getting on a higher dose of his meds. He's having massive trouble paying attention in class, and he's not doing so well here at home, either. So, I've got to call and get him an appointment in the next couple of weeks and get his dosage upped. Then, we'll see how it goes from there.

J is, as always, doing wonderfully. Great grades, great behavior, lots of friends, etc.

That's about it for now.

It's Friday! Not that that really means anything...

We made it through the first week of school. I'm pretty sure we're mostly intact. All the fingers and toes are still there...haven't checked brains yet.

C came home with homework again today. Even on Friday, they have homework. I'm finding this not  only ridiculous, but intrusive. I also have to wonder, with all the homework he's expected to do, when and what is he actually being taught while at school? I mean, *are* they actually teaching him anything? Or are they just acting as glorified babysitters for 6 hours a day? I know I'm just frustrated, and I realize they do teach him, and they do a lot. It just seems...I guess I feel if they were effectively doing their jobs, then the kids wouldn't need so much homework. And I'm all for parental involvement, I am very actively involved in my children's lives, both academically and otherwise. But I send them to school for a reason, a reason that I am rapidly beginning to think no longer applies. The point of sending them to school was to provide them with a teacher who, I thought anyway, could provide them with a better education than I could. Considering the amount of time I spend helping with homework, I'm beginning to think we'd all be better off if I just homeschooled the boys. It would probably take less time, as well.

I'm also discovering that working from home is not as simple as you might think. It might just be because having been out of work for so long, I've come to think of myself as a stay at home mom and therefore feel it is my responsibility to keep up the house. But I find that when I'm working, I feel like I should be doing housework. But if I stop working to do housework, then I think about how I should be working so I can make money. I think it's just a matter of finding my balance, figuring everything out and planning my day. It is only week one, after all. I can't expect everything to run smoothly right from the start...just like everything else, I've got to find the rhythm.

My friend Carolyn's son got C's old teacher for 1st grade. It was the teacher that Lukas had in 2nd grade. She's been moved to 1st this year. Carolyn is so please with her. The teacher is an amazing teacher. She's wonderful with kids at any grade level, and great with the parents, too. What I find odd is that there is another teacher that got moved to 1st grade this year, and she's not such a wonderful teacher. She's actually had numerous complaints filed against her, complaints that as far as we can tell no one has ever actually taken seriously and done anything about.

This particular teacher was heard on a mother's voicemail calling that mother's child a bastard, an asshole, and being told to shut up and sit down and several other horrible things that should never be said to a child. For that incident, she was suspended with pay for 2 weeks while they "investigated" and then reinstated with nothing in her record about what she had done. And this was with proof on voicemail! I don't know the details of the other incidents, but I don't really think I need to. Based on that one alone, she should have been fired. This was when she taught 2nd grade.

Another parent at the school questioned why this teacher was still there, given the incident I mentioned. This parent was told that they moved this teacher to 1st grade, to see how she does there, and if she doesn't do well, she'll be fired. Ummm.....huh? We have a teacher who was recorded on voicemail calling an older child horrible names and saying other horrible things, and now we're going to experiment with younger, more emotionally fragile children to see what she does? Please explain to me how this makes sense. Why do we want to expose children who are even more easily hurt and influenced, who are even more likely to take what this woman says to heart and believe there's truth in it, to her? That just completely boggles my mind. When I look at things like this, it suddenly makes perfect sense why our children learn nothing and why we are so far behind other countries educationally speaking. How can we expect our children to learn when the people in charge are complete blithering idiots?

I'm glad that J didn't get that particular teacher, otherwise the school and I would be having some serious issues right now.

Both boys seem to like their teachers very much, a fact for which I am very grateful. C is not happy with the homework his teacher assigns, and honestly neither am I. But as I've told him, his teacher assigned it, so he must do it.

Today's math homework for him was about figuring out appropriate numbers for a description. For example, was the number of people living in a particular state in the millions? He had to answer yes or no. I had to laugh when I saw the following:

Q: Does your math book have millions of pages?
A (exactly as he wrote it): YES!!!

Can you tell the boy hates math? Not that I blame him. In fact, I'm right there with him.