So, my ex has started (for the time being anyway) making regular, albeit smaller than ordered, child support payments again. Now, my mother is worried that he will call, wanting to see the boys.
I'm not worried. I know he won't call. I know him. He doesn't want the responsibility of kids. That's why he disappeared in the first place. Honestly, I never expected to hear from him in any way, shape, or form ever again. He filed, and then withdrew, to modify the child support. When you read that sentence, read that he filed and then withdrew to try to get the child support lowered, because that's really what it was about. And I'm 99% certain that that's also the only reason why he's now paying child support. And I'm relatively certain that once he figures out a way to get out of it again, the payments will again disappear.
In the process of what was supposed to be a small discussion about this matter, my mother got upset that C told a friend of his that they (my boys) didn't have a dad. Well, no, that's not quite right. She's upset that I didn't immediately correct C on this matter. She feels that I should have told him that he does in fact have a dad and given him all kinds of details about him.
Now, look, we all know I hate my ex. It's pretty much a given. And the fact that I hate him and complain on here about him from time to time is a large part of why I try to keep this as anonymous as possible, so my sons will never associate it with us.
But regardless of how much I hate him, I would never try to interfere in his relationship, if he had one or wanted one, with my sons. HOWEVER, this fact does not mean that I feel it necessary to make him a continued daily presence in my home and my life.
The fact is, 5 years ago, he chose to walk out on my sons. He chose to eliminate himself from their lives. I don't know why; he never bothered to even tell me he was going to walk away. My sons do not remember him walking out on them. They do not ask questions about him; they do not talk about him. That is their choice, not mine.
I do not try to hide him or pretend he does not exist. But I do not think that bringing him up to two boys who don't ask about him is a good idea. To me, it's cruel. I think it would be cruel to continually bring up a father who doesn't come to see them, doesn't call/write/email, and has essentially pretended they don't exist for the last 5 years.
When they ask (and yes, I say when...they will ask one day), I will answer their questions about their father. I will not lie to them, I will not tell them half truths. But I also will not deliberately hurt them.
When they ask why he doesn't come see them, I will tell them that it's because he doesn't know how to be a father. This upsets my mother. She thinks that's lying, because she says we can't know his reasons. No, we can't know his reasons.
But regardless of what she thinks, I have given this statement a lot of thought. It's the most truthful answer I can give them that doesn't leave room for them to think it's their fault.
If I tell them I don't know, they will think I am saying that because I don't want to tell them the truth. They will think I am lying. I refuse to allow that.
If I tell them he's too busy, he doesn't want to come, or anything like that, they will find a way, as children do, to think that that means something is wrong with them, that they did something wrong or bad or that he didn't like, that he doesn't love them.
I'll be damned if I'm going to do that to them.
Telling them he doesn't know how to be a father puts the blame squarely where it belongs: on him. Not knowing how to do something is no one's fault but your own.
Is it possible that I'm wrong? Of course. There may be an angle to that statement that I haven't seen yet, that will allow them to think it's their fault. There may be other aspects to it that I haven't seen yet that make it wrong.
But I'm doing the best I can here to make sure my sons grow up happy, healthy, and not screwed up by the fact that I divorced their father. I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes, and I'll make more.
I'm doing what I think is right. If it turns out I'm wrong, then I'll deal with it. Just know that I have thought about it, and I really do believe I'm doing the right thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment